MEANINGLESS and RANDOM CATHOLIC GRADE SCHOOL MEMORIES

Snowy weather meant wearing black rubber boots to school. I remember sitting along the wall by my classroom trying to pull those boots off. My shoe would get stuck so it was easier to pull my foot out and then remove the shoe by hand. If it was cold enough the girls were allowed to wear a mysterious article of clothing called 'leggings'. I now realize they were 'pants'. Every classroom had a big closet where we would hang our 'wraps'. Being a rebel, at home I called it a coat. The nuns never found out.

 Fountain pens were required around fourth grade or so. These things were a real mess. They had a little black bladder inside that held the ink that was sucked into it by means of a little lever on the side of the pen. These things always eventually would leak. Then new pens came out that held a preloaded cartridge of ink. Just drop it in the pen body and screw the top on and you're ready to write. Course these things always managed to leak too. As I recall, when ball point pens came out, we weren't allowed to use them. Must've been too modern.

 Random thoughts. Hearing tests were done in the library. I can still hear those very faint high and low tones. I don't raise my finger now though. Every year the student pictures were taken . . . also in the library. Kind of odd that I can't remember ever borrowing a book from that library.

 Random thoughts: Teachers get mad when you beat the chalkboard erasers on the brick walls outside. The fire alarms made an ugly, scary sound. We were not allowed to talk at lunch. Weird.

 Cursive was a challenge for me. Practicing the circles and endless lines up and down and up and down. The front of the classrooms had all the letters displayed above the chalkboard. I still can't write the letter Z, especially the capital Z. No kidding. L was easy to write 'cause it just kind of flowed onto the paper. Couldn't screw it up. Q looked like a 2. What's that all about?

Early grades had reading groups in the back of the classroom. Brownies, Pixies, and Fairies. Although I fancied myself as a good reader, I was normally in the middle (average?) group. One day a dog walked into the room and sat down next to the reading group. We had to stay still and finally Louie Le Claire the janitor came and took the dog. I have fully recovered.

Sister Edward/8th grade. She was gone a lot with medical issues so Sister Barbara took over. We had to learn 'New Math', whatever the hell that was. Barbara could barely teach it 'cause she didn't understand it either. It was awful. This also was the year I broke my foot. I was one of the guys on the piano crew that would push the upright piano from one room to another, as needed. We were screwing around and it tipped over onto my foot. That hurt something powerful. Took a long time, but I got over it.

SHS employed a second janitor named Pete the fireman. He seemed friendlier than Louie. He played Santa Claus every year so it was natural to like him. At the classroom Christmas parties he would hand out a package of hard Christmas candy and a chocolate covered marshmallow Santa Claus. Good stuff.

3rd grade/ Sister Ambrose . . . I think. We were having a spelling bee and I was still alive in the third round. My next word was 'before'. I spelled it b-e-f-o-r. I was sure that's how it was spelled, but she said I was WRONG, and that it ended with an 'E'. I argued that she was nuts and that I spelled it right. I lost the argument. To this day I am very conscious about spelling correctly. I guess I learned something that day, so I never got over it.

Second grade I had Mrs. Shell. She was OK most of the time. The cool thing at the time was to stick your leg out in the aisle between desks to trip someone walking by. I figured I'd give it a try. So . . . down the aisle comes a girl and I put out my leg. She sees it and steps right over. No harm, no foul. Except Mrs. Shell also saw me do it and she gave me what for. I had to stand in the corner in the front of the room for an eternity. Even though I deserved the punishment, I still haven't fully recovered.

I remember my first grade teacher was Sister Anne Marie. (May have been 'Anna' . . . not sure). She was young and fun and was a good teacher. I had a crush on her, until one day I broke the keep silent rule. We were lined up in the hall for a lavatory break, and I evidently said something. Wow. Sister yelled at me and I was devastated. I couldn't believe she stomped on my heart like that. My special feelings for her were crushed. I still haven't fully recovered.

Fourth grade was Mrs. Ferkes. She was a good teacher, but a little impatient. Kids at that age are coming out of their shell and can be kind of boisterous. She was used to it though. She had a bell on her desk that she would ring to get our attention, and she'd say "CLASS . . . CLASS . . . CLASS!!!!!" until we cooperated with her wishes. I have 99% recovered, but sometimes when I am in my dark place I think I hear a bell going DING DING DING DING DING!!!!!!!!

Mrs. Donavon was the head lunch lady. To buy lunch a green plastic coin was required. Mrs. Donavon was in charge of selling these tokens. Sometimes the coin was like brand new, but usually they had bite marks all over them. I think maybe the lunch ladies chewed on them while they cooked just to mess with the kids. One day I realized I was short one token so I wouldn't be able to finish out the week evenly. I actually tried to fake out the lady collecting tokens by holding on to it and pulling back, pretending to pay. She caught me and beat me just like Mr. Gower hitting young George Bailey's bad ear in the drugstore. I've mostly recovered except for the echoes.