In second grade we were deemed old enough to have our First Communion. But in order to reach that destination, one must accomplish their First Confession. That's when the sinner has to tell a priest about all of the bad stuff he's been up to since his last confession. Teaching all of us little kids about confession was left up to a nun called Sister Gerald. She was real old, real wrinkled, and real mean. I swear her house was made out of gingerbread and candy. She was notorious for smacking kid's knuckles with her weapon of choice, a wooden ruler. Fortunately, I was never one of her victims.
We studied the ins and outs of Confession at school and at home until we got it right. We knew what to say and when to say it. We rehearsed in the real confessionals at church, with Sister Gerald standing in as a priest. We were given a fake Scapular to get us used to the idea of having a real Scapular. A Scapular is a little felt medallion thing with a cord that is to be worn around the neck. Sister Gerald told us that if you're wearing it when you die, then you get into Heaven, no questions asked. That seemed like a pretty good deal. Wear your Scapular, and have a worry free life. None of this Limbo, Purgatory, or Hell for this kid. I got me a ticket. Well, sort of. You have to do your first Confession before you get a REAL Scapular. I guess it's like an award, with benefits. That couple of weeks between getting the fake and First Confession was pretty scary. I was afraid I'd die and when I got to Heaven the gate guy would say sorry kid, this Scapular is a fake so you're stuck in Purgatory, and jeez, you were so close! Sucks to be you! But that wasn't my only concern. I worried what I was supposed to confess to. Little kids don't sin. We were way too scared to sin. So I figured I'd make stuff up just to get through it. But making it up and confessing it would make it a lie. This was certainly a dillema. I finally decided how to handle the problem though. I'd cover the made up stuff by confessing that I'd just lied.
The big day arrived and I'm ready to 'fess up and get my legit Scapular.
"Bless me Father for I have sinned. This is my first confession."
"OK kid. Lay it on me."
"Well, let's see. I stole; three times. I cussed; two times. I hit my brother; two times, I disobeyed my parents; three times, and I lied; (um . . . let's see . . .) FOUR times."
Apparently I fooled the priest, because he told me to say some 'Hail Mary's' or something for my penance. I got my ticket-to-Heaven Scapular and all was right in my world. I wore my Scapular every day for a while. Then I got lazy and didn't bother with it, because if I'm still alive, it isn't really doing me much good.
I eventually lost my Scapular. Now I'm thinking maybe I should go to the religion store and buy a new one, and wear it. 'Cause at my age, you never know. Then if I died the Heaven gate guy would see my Scapular , and in I'd go, just like Sister Gerald said. I could even tell him I wore it every day of my life. But that would be a lie, and I'm not sure that they have Confession in Heaven.
The idea of confession sounds fun, more religions should consider it.
ReplyDeletePeggy Bessee Excellent, Paul. I so enjoy reading all your writings. I wish I remembered more about my times at Sacred Heart. Maybe it's because I tried not to do anything to stand out and get punished.
ReplyDeleteYesterday at 10:40pm ·
Robert M. Sprung You write like Dave Berry!!! Altar Boy - I had the same feelings but I must have been special because after burning 3 or 4 altar linens, they removed that duty from me. Also, I did funerals, weddings, and all the masses I could get (most has some $ attached). But the biggie was mass at the convent!! Only 1 altar boy - me- but the nuns lighted the candles!! Hmmmmm? I messed up the Latin but Msrg Blecke was the one who you NEVER wanted to be the one to his immediate right. As a kid, they expect you to move this golden book stand with this humongous book from one side of the alter to the next--but the trick was after picking it up on the right side, you go down 4 steps, walk to the middle, genuflect, proceed to the other side--up the steps and DON'T WRINKLE THE LINEN. But my greatest moments were communion. It's gett'n even time. I held the palate under the chins of the faithful, except when a nun stuck out her tongue (and because some are more faithful than others), I would karate chop their adam's apple to make their tongues really stick out (Besides horrible breath - listerine was a band substance), they had strange looking tonues like they had been biting them on the sides. Some were so sold they could barely get the thing beyond their lips. But I was their blessing--that tongue really protruded after I did the Bruce Lee thing!!
As for fith grade, I had Sister Agnes too - but she was always good to me. Really, no bad memories there. But I do identify with the wicked witch of the west - Sister Gerald - the knuckle cracking, ruler mashing T-Rex from hell. (2nd grade). I blame her for most of my life problems because I am fairly sure I should have been left-handed, but NOT IN HER CLASS. Pick up a pencil with the left hand got an immediate bitch slap. To this day, my left hand is dominant but I write with my right. Therefore, I drop things. If I try to deal cards or count money with my right hand, I am a spazzzz!! One day(we had a split class too) she upset this girl next to me that she (the girl) peed all over the place. Ah, such fond memories--Thanks for the great blogs.
Today at 7:27am ·
Brandy Bean You know Grandma is loving your writings! She always wanted to write down her life happenings! Very nice. I am going to print them and give a copy to each of the kids (in their baby books), that way they will will be able to read them when they are older!
Today at 7:30am ·
Elizabeth Erdmann Another fine job!
Jeff Barber Loved it Paul. Brought back a lot of memories. Confession was one of the reason's I left the church and went back to God...
What a hoot! I remember being in 1st grade with a nun whose name escapes me now (Anna Marie??) Anyway, I spent so much time in the "cloak room" for gabbing that I started taking a small doll in my pocket so I'd have something to do while I was in there doing time. And by the way, I made stuff up in the confessional too. Kinda went for shock value...
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